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Melons
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Number of posts : 507
Age : 46
Location : UK
Humor : just plain bloody daft
Registration date : 2007-10-19

PostSubject: Flight Safety Information   Fri Oct 26, 2007 9:07 am

Prolly not true but made me giggle

Thanks to a retired WestJet Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a
memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants. In his own words...
"I was flying to Vancouver from Toronto this weekend, and the flight
attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane
looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Toronto people to
look at each other is an accomplishment.)
So once we were airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said
so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is
most of it."

(BEFORE TAKEOFF)
Hello and welcome to WestJet Flight 438 to Vancouver. If you're going to
Vancouver, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Vancouver,
you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now
about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most
important safety feature we have aboard this plane is The Flight
Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings,
and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit
rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really
bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest
exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event
that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We
have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction
of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at
the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop
down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the
flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen
there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone
who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on
your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please
take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one
first and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own
personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures.
Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low
and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like
your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking
in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will
assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we
provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each
wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold
on, let me check what it is . Oh here it is ... the movie tonight is
"Gone With the Wind."

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to
get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be
a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button
turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless
you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing WestJet, and giving us your business and your money. If there's
anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to
ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing
ovation, wouldn't you?

(AFTER LANDING)
Welcome to the Vancouver International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy
landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Copilot's fault. It's
the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in
history has a passenger beat a plane to the gate. So please, don't even
try.
Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift
happens."

_________________

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